Since its initial publication in 2011 the acclaimed “50 Shades of Grey” series written by E. L. James has sold well over 65 million copies in 37 different Languages. With more books being sold every day from the checkout stand at the local grocer to the ever more discrete online eBook sellers. The 50 Shades of Gray series has managed to infiltrate, nearly every demographic, from teenagers, to the working class, House wives, to business Men and Woman, and CEOs and board members of Power house companies. E.L. James has swept the nation, having an impact and taking the World by Storm much like the Harry Potter books did when they were published, (with the added kinkery, fuckery, debauchery and every other word ending in (ery) you can think of).
With 50 Shades becoming an everyday household and workplace conversation piece I decided to dive in and read the series in the spring/ summer of last year. It was a quick read with many undertones of Soft-core porn, Depictions of BDSM Lifestyle and practices, and Kink. Never mind the obvious stereotypical lavish lifestyles of the characters, which bear no resemblance to the lifestyles of 98% of the world’s population. There is nothing wrong with being wealthy, most of us dream of this or at least being able to live comfortably without fear of how to pay the next bill or fix the car that just broke down. With all honesty, even though the writing style was not robust and well written, (when comparing to great authors over the last century) (Disclaimer: English is not my native tongue, I know my shortcomings and except the fact that my writing style also lacks the “well-written” seal of approval, now on to my regular scheduled ramblings), that being said I enjoyed reading it, and actually got into it a bit. I understood it to be a work of fiction, just like some of the other titles I have read and enjoyed. Having discussions with my wife and friends over the content and misconceptions, of an actual D/s relationship, or the storylines stereotypical kink and poor use of Spanking and Dominance, calling it BDSM with the notion that Dominance is making someone do what you desire. It is a work of fiction, a made up story with the boundaries being blurred of what is and is not healthy and acceptable in a D/s and BDSM Lifestyle/ relationship.
And therein lays the problem my issue. With BDSM becoming mainstream, based on misconceptions, stretched truth, and authors (plural, E.L. James is not the only one) unreal accounts of what BDSM really is. We are creating a new sub culture riddled with holes throughout the internet and imbued into the personal lives of millions, with Women and Men alike becoming Self-proclaimed Dominants and submissives overnight. With the inclination that because I’ve read it in a book or seen it in a movie I know how to tie someone up and spank them. We have now falsely labeled kink into something it is not, because a housewife desires to be spanked or have rough sex, she has now become a submissive. Men lining the side of the road by the thousands taking on this seemingly new role of dominant, with the promise of having your very own little sex slave, either in real life or on the internet. BDSM, if not used in a SSC (Safe Sane and Consensual) and RACK (Risk Aware Consensual Kink) type of restriction, can cause not only physical harm or death, but also psychological harm and psychosis. It takes time, commitment, research, communication, trust, empathy, and many more quality’s to be safe and experienced. I do not claim to be an expert or Master of BDSM/ D/s Lifestyles, these are just my opinions and ramblings. When the parties involved are educated and have practice, it can be a wonderful thing. I am not trying to discourage people from getting involved in BDSM or D/s Lifestyles or exploits. Be kinky have fun, but be safe and aware.
If you can remember my first blog post back in October of last year I hinted at the reason of why I started to write this blog. To Quote myself from October 2012; “I write this blog to open a dialogue, with myself and with others. To explore my thoughts, my fantasies, and to bring to flourish a dream, to write again like I once did. So as I sit here, I ponder why submission has such a crude undertone. We demonize and give the D/s (Dominant/submissive) relationships such a bad name, with new books being published every day i.e. 50 shades, articles that are not well researched and Stereotypes conjured up through fictional characters and amateur self-proclaimed dominant and or submissive. These characters just a figment of someone’s imagination, just search through the internet you cannot miss them. I do not contend that my view is the proper view or only view. I will however say that there is more to this, I have reasons for my beliefs and it is out of love and reverence not hate and injustice”. I have used my 2 Blogs as an outlet and way to express myself, but also to inform and bring the loving side of this type of lifestyle to the surface. When people think of BDSM and D/s relationships, they still think of Spanking, Pain and punishment. The image that comes to mind is that of a hooded man in tight spandex pants and leather sleeveless vest with a whip in hand, or that of a Woman all dressed in leather speaking in a German accent, demanding obedience as she makes a man crawl in front of her whipping him with a paddle. I am not denying that this is an aspect of some BDSM preference, but it is not the tipical, rather a stereotyped notion, conjured up by media over the years. Granted there is nothing wrong with this type of SM or Domination, it is all personal preference, but it is not all there is. I would like to share the loving side of BDSM and D/s relationships with you in my little Blog. One of consent and mutual agreement, with love and passion. A relationship largely dependent on trust and faith. The D/s and the BDSM lifestyle for that matter is mostly a mental, emotional, physical and spiritual with some sexual play involved but not required. “…despite my experience and abilities, none of my skills or implements will ever be effective if I do not first take a girl and ravish her in her largest erogenous zone. Not the one between her legs. The one between her ears. I can be effective only I capture my girl’s mind – and I often say… A whisper can be more powerful than a whip.” (borrowed from a great writer © Fringe of Darkness, 2013)
Do not misunderstand me, I will spank my submissive, I will be harsh at times, I do employ bondage, restraint and discipline in my play, I like to bite, and delight in rough sex. I find images or movies such as found on KINK.com arousing and gratifying. I will post from time to time more hardcore BDSM, but with the knowledge and assumption, that the Actors in this type of media, are lucid and aware of what is happening and have agreed upon the acts in question, with safe words in place and I am sure uttered at times but taking out during the editing process. This is mainstream porn, there to push the edge and now pushing BDSM into a fictional place that would be unsafe for an amateur kinkster to try. Know that there is a loving side to BDSM, and with impact play or bondage, the Dominant should and must always be willing to do aftercare, show love and understanding even if a safe word is used. Especially if a safe word is used. But you do what you want; partake in what you desire, what you long for. Just please know this, there are many manipulative Sadist people out there stalking ready to pray in anyone’s vulnerability’s. Before you commit to a D/s or M/s relationship in real life or online please make sure the person is sane and does not have a harem of other people on the side, using all for his/her personal sex slave, all the while proclaiming that you are the only one baby. Also do not take a risk in trying extreme things without knowing that your partner is experienced and that you are not his Guiney pig, don’t end up in the hospital or morgue for foolishness. And to the people at home practicing with a lover, partner or spouse, talk, use communication, take it slow. The main thing is communication and it will enrich your experience and bring to fruition something beautiful and much more gratifying, then wading in the deep end of the pool and finding out that this is not what you bargained for.
While writing this, I realized that much more needs to be discussed, but it seems that one blog post is not enough. So let me use this time to inform you now, that in the near future I will be posting much more content on the specifics and aspects of BDSM and all that it encompasses. I.e. The difference between slave and submissive, master and dominant. What BDSM stands for and what all is encompassed under this umbrella of a term. And many other things. Over the next few weeks I will also try to create a Resource library with helpful places to research or books to read, or blog Authors to follow. As I stated before I do not claim to be a master and do not know all. I have just a mere vision to help you explore the loving side of BDSM/ -D/s, in a safe and informed way. So for now, have fun, play a little, talk a lot and enjoy.
“You can discover more about a person in one hour of play than in a year of conversation. ~Plato”
“We are what we repeatedly do; excellence, then, is not an act but a habit. ~Aristotle “
“Life is too short to wake up in the morning with regrets, so love the people who treat you right, forget about the ones who don’t, and believe that everything happens for a reason. If you get a chance, take it. If it changes your life, let it. Nobody said life would be easy, they just promised it would be worth it. ~Harvey Mackay”
“The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place. ~George Bernard Shaw”