We live our lives in this beautiful mess we call life… We are on a trajectory to a certain fate a means that will bring our own destiny. Destiny preordained or made…. does it mater we all end up there, on this road. Childhood for most is the time we learn and grow as people being molded into the model citizen. Each day a new moment to learn a new thing, each day building to the climax of adulthood, with the promise of being well adjusted and rounded. For some such as myself the innocence was lost at a dreadful early age, and for a decade the horror that seemed to be my life grew darker day by day. Living a parallel life with the rest of humanity I was certain that these immoral depravities were normal. Paying a penance for future sins not yet committed, at the hands of molesters and child batterers. Thus catapulting me on a path of self-destruction and brokenness, alongside normalcy. Robert Frost said “The road less traveled … I took the other, just as fair, and having perhaps the better claim because it was grassy and wanted wear, though as for that passing there had worn them really about the same.” Travel the same road but….traveling my own journey through life, trough my self made destiny of free will, each choice and action ultimately shaping my own reality. I have spent the better part of my life running from my past, my life… in a process to change my what seemed to be preordained destiny…. A statistic. I beat the paradigm long ago became a contradiction but kept running from it none the less, its shadow forever haunting me. I built a reality that I could control and manipulate to my own desire and safety. Keeping humanity at arms length to filter the pain in a cogent attempt to avoid the agony, the hurt and suffering that “might” ensue again.
Life becomes lonely, surrounded by people, but always feeling isolated…desolate. A depressing fate, masked by the plastic smile on my face. Living a lie, never seeing it, longing for happiness only accomplished in a superficial way never lasting long. Always in search for the joy that seems to elude me. Relationships are complicated social structures even more so when you fear getting close. Sex becomes a means of gratification and power (BDSM for me), an act in place of feeling love, caring, closeness, and real. I was eager to please, always searching for acceptance, never letting go of the Control that kept me safe, a Vail, hiding my own vulnerability. I bounced from one partner to the next in search for realness, something that would last, stay with me. Nothing ever did. I can recount some great relationships in my past, but ultimately they to prayed on my need for approval and love further tearing at the fabric of my being. I pretend to be happy, build a family on the promise of happiness, with a spouse that truly never knew me. Two broken people trying to find a common solace, a bad attempt to heal, to feel whole. Over time I realized it was a marriage built on rules, lust, and False understanding which can never live up to its own expectation. As lust usually does it fades, and I was left in its shadow, empty yet again. Even though she was the first person that knew more about me than anyone, who was truly the first woman I had ever loved she too lost sight of me. I don’t blame her for the trade Kids are precious and should be held in high esteem, but for me it brought on emotional death. A fragile relationship a house of cards ready to tumble and fall apart. I live this paradox, no one knows,….hidden a well-kept secret. Few people in life get a glimpse of the destruction left in the wake of my own futile attempts at happiness. Never building an alliance enough to trust. I fight daily to better myself, to become more than I am. William Faulkner said “Don’t bother to be better than your contemporaries or predecessors. Try to be better than yourself “ … I struggle with this, I want so much to have the normalcy, the perfect life molded by so many others a True Fiction. A beautiful contradiction, my beautiful contradiction in life.
Through my kids, the fear of my past was there, still haunting me. Never letting go always taunting me, fear that grips you Angst that rules, would the same fate happen to them. Never! I will protect them with my life, give every ounce of sweat and blood for them. Finally realizing at that point how much I really have been wronged and how messed up my life was. I sought redemption from this life and the next, turning to god. Realizing that my substitutions in place of love and caring were ultimate functional savors, who never could live up to the task. Even with God in my life the emptiness returned, with a vengeance. The Devil, My enemy…he prowls around like a roaring lion, looking for someone to devour. (1 Peter 5:8) You can call it evil, daemons, the mind, depression or Satan himself for names sake. So I go on, back to life feeling the same isolation, the same emptiness, I’ve always felt. My Spouse only making it worse with every rejection she bestows on me, feeling used yet again. Where do I go from here. Will it last, will it end, can I survive this.
So I dream…. Drifting to a better place…pretend with me for a moment…. what if in the presence of this loneliness, you find a soul who sees you. Sees through you. Understands your fear and pain. An Angel who does not judge, her wings guard you from your own futile attempt at finding peace. Just a touch catapulting you into the realm of the unknown, bringing forth a new reality the normalcy you so longed for… Is it real, are you dreaming? A kiss soothing away long scarred over wounds, never quite gone just hidden from the surface. The healing begins, a new realization takes over…. There is more to this… I deserve more than the longing of love, I deserve to be loved and cared for. Wanted, needed, looked at in that way that sends goose bumps up your spine, a look that can sail a Thousand ships. Can she be real, can she be the escape to my beautiful contradiction I call Life.
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